Being alive is weird.
I have these moments where I forget who I am for a single second. Then I remember and I’m back to the reality, pretending like every thing is okay when it’s not.
I don’t really understand people all that well.
To be honest most people are a complete mystery to me. You think you really know someone but one day something happens and they change. Or maybe they were always like that and you just decided to ignore that side of them. We always tend to forget that most people are too afraid to show their real self. Covered away by all the lies and the makeup they put on. They put on a facade and show you only the acceptable parts of themselves. The part they think you want to see.
Is that what you did?
Did you think I wouldn’t notice when you changed, when you stopped talking to me as much as we used to. When you cancelled our plans because you suddenly weren’t feeling good. I mean we had been friends for 10 years, why wouldn’t I have noticed the side of you that thought that I was pathetic.
For clinging onto you when you let go of me months before. For thinking we still had a chance to fix an unfixable friendship.
When was the moment that you decided you were so much better than me?
When I wouldn’t be enough. When I wasn’t as cool and as popular as the kids at our school. I wasn’t rich but sometimes I tried to be. I tried to pretend just to keep up with you. But what does it matter anyway, you’re not my friend anymore.
It’s kind of blurry.
The moments that led up to and after the breaking of our friendship. I still ask myself why you did what you did. One thing I do remember is the moment I realized your true colors had come out to play. At lunch you would laugh at me, ignore me, talk about me behind my back and I let you. Cause to me, a friendship that had started so many years ago, deserved a chance to be saved.
I see you in the hallways almost everyday.
For a moment our eyes pass over each other and then we continue along our way. Pretending our friendship had never existed and we were only strangers to begin with.
I needed to do this, to write this.
I needed to let go of my hidden demons and face the fact that your not here anymore. The spot reserved for you is gone and now filled with people I never dreamed would be here to pick me up.
So alas this is a goodbye.
The Rant Girl